The storm happens when I act from fear.

The middle path appears when I act from love.

Let me first introduce you to the language I’m using today, so that you’re with me.

Fear = a state of being that is associated with lower frequency emotions and actions, such as mistrust, isolation, lack, anger, sadness, anxiety, rushing, yelling, crying, grasping

Love = a state of being that is associated with high frequency emotions and actions, such as trust, connectedness, wholeness, abundance, calm, releasing, ease, groundedness, patience, being in flow, spaciousness, surrender (which I recognize can all take a tremendous amount of work and focus to get to)

The Storm = the probable chaos that ensues when one acts from fear, doing things such as sacrificing health and priorities, doing activities and jobs we hate, running around like a chicken with its head cut off, forgetting what truly matters because we’re so “busy”, maybe (or not) eating decently, but not truly taking in nourishment (because we’re probably rushing from one thing to the next), over-scheduling

Middle path = the very probable sense of balance and clarity that appears when one acts from a place of love, doing things such as prioritizing our priorities, organizing our lives in alignment with our values, doing activities and jobs that bring us joy, clucking around like a perfectly intact chicken, constantly feeling and maybe even tearing up about what truly matters, definitely nourishing ourselves with food and life in general, UNDER-SCHEDULING AND TRUSTING IT’S ENOUGH

Sourced = drawn from a place of deep love, wisdom and trust, anchored in something bigger and deeper than just this physical body of a vessel, solid AF, morally sound, spiritually stable, rooted, solid, unwavering (can even feel connected to spirit, god, goddess, the universe, consciousness, etc.)

Now that we’re on the same page…

Both ways of existing, the storm as well as the middle path, have something in common. Neither are immune to noise nor quiet. Yet, either will FEEL like a different thing entirely because one is sourced and one is not.

December, the end of this crazy ass year was THE storm. I was moving left and right like it was nobody’s business, hustling like a goddamn squirrel for winter and doing what I needed to survive. I even (and I’m so ashamed of this) stole a parking spot from a guy. I stole a freaking parking spot, I was so desperate! But those were different times, bad times. And I apologized from a distance to that very angry man. (No worries, the parking gods always reproduce your parking karma. I’ll get mine.)

Why was December (and just most of 2019) this way, you ask? Because I was acting from FEAR. Capital F. I was so intent on creating something new, but did not have the finances to back it, that I was going to do anything to make shit happen for myself in this new decade. So while in large part I succeeded, cha-ching, I’ve also experienced the most intense repercussions from my mind, body and soul.

The storm I created externally created an even deeper one within me, the likes of which I had never experienced before. All that rooted fear created the platform on which I would act, and would therefore color every outcome. Even if the backlash was not as noticeable to the naked eye, I noticed. I really noticed. And I felt these effects deeply. When I act from any specific energy, it RULES the outcome. Always.

SO fear, fear, fear. Yet, I had become very good at convincing myself that this was temporary, that (ironically) I was doing it in order to stop doing it in the near future. Now, that was true, but it didn’t matter because I was STILL acting from fear and finding myself surrounded by these lower frequencies of energy that in the end just totally depleted me.

The backlash has been a heavy array of symptoms that have bled into this new year. Most of them are either rare or have NEVER happened to me before, like…

Facial eczema

Inability to digest most foods

Mood swings and instability

Mental cloudiness and short term memory issues

Spiritual gaps (moments in which I just didn’t recognize myself)

Mild injuries becoming chronic, totally exacerbated to feel like serious ones

SUA, stress upon arrival. (Waking up at a level 6 instead of a zero, cancelling out any actual rest I may have gotten)

A few other disgusting health problems I’m not going to name

And the worst, least like me, most detrimental symptom of all… the creation of more fear because my body was left in a state of disarray, incoherence, malnourishment and dis-ease (the thing that leads to, ya know… disease).

No Bueno. That said, I’m very lucky and grateful to have the knowledge, resources and access that I do to some seriously good medicine and all kinds of practitioners to help. Now, a few weeks out of this storm, I’m starting to bounce back, feel like myself, healthy and strong and just good. Gettin’ there.

So, I’ll repeat it again.

“The storm happens when I act from fear.”

I’ve now left this phase and 2019 (good riddance) behind, and I’m able to look back at it with a little more perspective. Far enough to not be triggered, close enough to dissect the details and learn something. What I’ve learned is that no matter the layout of the storm, no matter the extent of the fear producing it, it is always EXTREME. Extreme highs, extreme lows. Extremely loud and fast. Extremely quiet and sleepy and just dead. Extremely energizing. Extremely depleting. Extreme. Extreme. Extreme. Did I mention it’s extreme?

The storm is never balanced. The storm is never in flow. The storm is never steady nor any one way for any extended amount of time. And that alone is jarring to a human being’s system.

My reaction, after sitting down for a week long kitchari cleanse (a little Ayurvedic gem), after turning inward and contemplating all this chaos I created, is that I recognize I need to find the elusive middle path. My brother Xavier first put that phrase in my head, then my yoga practice expanded upon it, and now I’ve been whispering it, yearning for it all the time. Also, I need to practice what I preach being a yoga teacher and all. It’s time to grab 2020 by the balls and make these essential changes, even just 1 degree, that will shift my path to something more sustainable. I’m going for longevity, here.

So, let me state it once again…

“The middle path appears when I act from love.”

Now, while this does mean something sourced from power, from a higher power, something rooted and calm, the middle path can also be a wave, have its ups and downs. But it will never feel untethered because it’s sourced from love, my sense of ownership and self-love, my work, that which I’m connected to. This source acts as an anchor. The path is like a rope attached to that anchor. While it just might flap around in the wind sometimes, even go a little wild, it will never ever fly away or become part of a storm because that anchor is solid, unmoving, like the stoic Taurus moon and Capricorn sun (yay Cap!) currently out there right now as I write this.

That said, I am excited to find myself in the calmer moments of the middle path because I’ve discovered that I can be quite productive when I work from a calm, cozy place. Instead of being extreme and vegging out, I can actually slowly get things done in my pajamas and feel balanced. That’s the whole point, the most obvious and simplified difference between the storm and the middle path.

A sense of balance.

So here I am, at Boston Logan BFE (butt fuck early), after rushing around the last day or two delivering presents, teaching yoga, going to a yoga training, running last minute errands, parking my car for the week, packing last minute, staying up too late thinking about all of this and the excitement ahead of me. Kind of busy and crazy, I know. BUT… while this blip felt rushed, felt busy and even a little much, it did NOT feel like a storm.

In fact, I slept very well, I woke up like a soldier at 5 am and was happy to do it. I’m not the most grounded spacially right now (traveling and all), but mentally I feel sharp and clear. My skin is clearing up, my body feels strong. I’m excited to be in Chicago, to work. In fact, I’m thrilled. Why?

Because I am 100% sourcing from love, from trust, from a state of intuitive listening.

I’m not saying I won’t need to rest and find balance within this new schema. It’s always relative.  Not saying chaos and loud moments aren’t still going to happen, cause clearly they already are. But this arena allows for the meter to stay relatively level because the energy behind it is so strongly tethered to love.

This is the middle path. It’s following the right path. It’s going to Chicago to film my sketch comedy show with my two best friends. It’s also starting our podcast, songologues, brand, astrology offerings, all of it. It’s trusting I will find the right place to live when I get back. It’s finally getting my website back up, producing and publishing all the stuff I love to do. It’s starting a new job with my friend doing something I actually like, photography. It’s trusting that sexy guy will text me soon and letting it be. It’s treating social media like a portfolio playground so I can share what I love to do. It’s going skiing for my birthday because fuck yeah. It’s taking the time to personally deliver more holiday gifts because it’s a nice thing to do. It’s continuing to dance, to make music with my brother, to use the art studio I joined, to sing with my friends. It’s writing this blog because I am moved to do so.

It’s doing everything with vigor and passion, sourced from love and trust.

It’s creating the space for me to do the things I love and only those things because life is too short, my dharma is calling, and why would I do anything else?

So here’s to a new decade. A decade on the middle path. A decade of monthly blogs to hold myself accountable for these thoughts, to continue to create and source from deep down.

Aho!

And so it is.