Don't Get Triggered
When we act from our past, we become a victim of circumstance.
When we act from a place of presence, aware of our triggers, we are actively choosing a better existence.
Some vocabulary for today….
Triggers = Feelings, memories, ghosts, familiar behaviors, ideas directly associated with the past (be it traumas, difficult times in our lives, pain and sorrow we want to forget or release); they typically cause us to react from our auto-pilot settings even if we’re working on doing better; triggers re-enact fear which turns on our fight or flight system whose #1 job is our survival, NOT our emotional evolution
Choice = The ability to pause inside a moment, and instead of allowing triggers to take over, to find the space to respond (not react) based on what’s currently happening and what’s true for us in the given moment
*Victim = Someone who is subject to their triggers
Creator = Someone who is working toward conquering their triggers by doing the deep psychological work required to start making choices instead
*This word and this state of being in no way has a negative connotation. I’ve found myself stuck in victimhood many times. Whether I’m there because healing takes time or because I just haven’t realized it yet, I recognize as I write this that this work is much easier said than done. My heart and hope goes out to all the people who have traumas deeper than mine, who don’t feel ready nor able to move from them yet.
The reason therapy is so vital is because it allows me to dig up my old habits, patterns, reactions and types of relationships (my TRIGGERS) so that they’re at the forefront of my mind (my conscious brain), instead of sitting in my subconscious under lock and key, virtually hidden from my reality. I recognize that’s just my system’s way of keeping me safe and alive. But not thriving…
Most of the time, the old stuff is no longer useful, no longer true for me. Yet, we as humans get comfortable, nested in our patterns, and it’s just easier to keep things as they are than to shake up the status quo.
From my experience with therapy, once the old stuff is brought forward and dusted off, I can no longer deny when I encounter a situation and there’s some sparkle about it reminiscent of my past. In those moments, I NOTICE if I end up acting from a place that is incongruent with who I currently am, a.k.a. being triggered. I mean, even if I hadn’t done this work yet and wasn’t consciously aware of my triggers, my reactions in that moment are still directly pulled from that memory of who I used to be. I would see it, feel it, if even for an instant. But in my case, I DO know my triggers, I AM doing the work, and so when a difficult situation has inevitably happened, you’re damn right I notice what comes up for me. I write it down, I start a conversation with my best friends about it, I clearly blog about it.
Point being, when do we as individuals reach that impasse in which we can no longer fight our true selves but have to face our selves?
And side note, how sad is it that we still live in a world where people are repressed, shunned and hiding their true selves, sacrificing their human evolution on a daily basis in order to fit in and survive ALL THE TIME? (I.e., toxic masculinity, structural racism, sexism, forced family traditions, genocide, sexual abuse, child abuse, psychological abuse, etc.) My heart goes out to these people as well, and I hope to hold space for people to rise above these issues and to heal because our individual energies are a pastiche that make up the community, the greater flow of consciousness.
Back to my original point… Hopefully, there is a growing number of people like me out there, ready to face our shit and energetically call ourselves out so that maybe, MAYBE... we can grow by making different choices, by creating the lives we envision, instead of staying stuck in our past and our pain.
But it’s a CHOICE, first and foremost.
Example A…
I was recently in the middle of an encounter with someone who was leaving a room in a lovely renovated apartment and I was stepping in to take over the lease for them… How shall I describe this person and their communication with me?
Unorganized
Lacking in communication
Emotional outbursts
Blame
Hoarding
No clarity or timeline on their part (Changed the date on me several times)
Wishy washy (Changed their mind about moving several times)
All of these aspects drove me NUTS because I don’t subscribe to that lifestyle (I’m a Capricorn). But even more than that, I was deeply bothered because I was reminded of things, people and behaviors I’ve left behind. That said, I wasn’t conscious enough to realize all this was happening in the moment.
Instead, this circumstance took me over and I was emotionally and energetically all over the place. I couldn’t sleep. My digestive system was giving me the finger because my stress had me drafting [not] passive aggressive text messages instead of calmly cooking a nourishing dinner. I was triggered AF, obsessing, gripping, trying to control, plan and manage a situation that didn’t allow for it. Why? Because this person’s actions, inconsistent or not, started to trigger my old ways of getting things done, not very effectively I might add. It’s an old system I’ve been ridding myself of in which I would react to anything I considered flimsy with the need to fix and perfect it. No good. I know that now, and freeing myself of that old mindset has opened me up to a beautiful, easy, flowing existence in which I do a little less pushing and a little more trusting.
In this moment, however, I became a victim, swept up in the current of my moving stress, my emotions and therefore, my past behaviors. Auto-pilot ON.
When we act from our past, we become a victim of circumstance.
I was ripping my hair out, just wanting my new home to be my home already. I was also staying with a dear friend, and didn’t want to overstay my welcome. I wanted my own space again. I wanted the buzz of instability and driving all over the place and storage units and packed cars and facebook marketplace to just be OVER. Ah!
It was such a rough couple of weeks for me dealing with this person, I came very close to reaching out to one of my new roommates to ask for help, thereby dragging her into the drama with this almost ex-roommate. I was ready to storm the castle, demanding she move out when she said she would. I could’ve knocked on the landlord’s door to make sure he knew the deal and was ready to stand guard and make sure they left on time. I even might’ve gotten the damn realtor involved again.
Messy. Luckily, I was advised not to do any of that, and I listened to the voice of reason (my mother). She knows me so well, and said on the phone one day in the middle of all this, “This is really affecting you. This doesn’t sound like you.”
In that moment, she helped me to realize just how triggered I had become, to take a moment of pause, and to CHOOSE to let it go. To trust that the person would be out of my new space on time, and to just be present where I was, at my wonderful friend’s house, in front of his fireplace. At the end of the day, was I seriously going to allow this person’s mess to color my life and my move? Something I consider so energetically indicative of what I want to cultivate in a home… Was I honestly that close to relinquishing my power? To acting so out of character?
Thanks to my support system, I didn’t go over the edge. I let it go, sat there by the fire for a few days, and allowed. Lo and behold, everything rapidly became better as quickly as it had gone downhill. This person moved out early. (Manifestation? Karma?) The back and forth with them was over. More importantly, I breathed easier, I cooked dinner and enjoyed it. The move was orchestrated beautifully with minimal bumps and bruises.
Moral of the story, I CHOSE that. After almost not choosing, of course. But in the end, I took an active look around me at my life, where I’ve been and where I’d arrived at, and chose to ride the wave. My car was packed to the brim with my shit, but I chose to focus on that detail being temporary paired with the excitement of newness. I chose my experience. I created it simply through my thoughts, focus, will power, my mind.
When we act from a place of presence, aware of our triggers, we are actively choosing a better existence.
I realized once again the brilliance of self-study, known as svādhyāya in yoga philosophy, also known (by me) as therapy.
My takeaways from the move…
This isn’t about them.
It isn’t their fault.
They didn’t do anything wrong.
Because…
The only thing I can control is my reaction.
Blaming the external world makes me a victim.
This is ALL about my relationship with myself.
I choose to look at these things under a microscope because the only way to evolve is through deep and focused learning that can be a trigger in itself. But would you rather stay stagnant? I wouldn’t.
“Moving is hard, but stagnation is harder.
I can no longer be a burden, can’t create no more martyrs.”
-Honest Man by Fat Night
Aho.
And so it is.